To understand your soul
by ShadowDanseur
Summary: There's a gap between Kenshin and Kaoru, a gap they can't seem to bridge. One fateful night, however, that gap is bridged for them. Can they make it through? Will Kaoru see it as the key to understand his heart? Or will the weight of it all crush her?
1. The Innocent

I slowly open my eyes to the sound of thunder, not really having fallen asleep anyway. My soul is in a state of unrest, my heart disquieted. It's all your fault, really - thoughts of you march unceasingly across my brain, threatening to drive me crazy if I don't find a way to stop them. I feel so far away from you, and yet I know you are just across the hall, sleeping.

Unable to relax, I pull myself into a sitting position, my long black braid falling over my shoulder. The thunder roars once more, a sound that I oddly find comforting. Sometimes you can be so stupid, Kenshin, so utterly dense and set in your ways. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes - maybe then you could learn to forgive yourself. Yes, at one point in your life you were the hitokiri, but not anymore. He will always be a part of you, but he does not govern you. The only control he has over you and your life is the control you give him - can't you see that?

I may be young, but I'm far from stupid. I'm tired; tired of all the excuses we give ourselves, tired of all the hours of watching you torture yourself for the sins of your past, sins that you've long since atoned for.

Another loud rumble of thunder.

Perhaps it's the weather, or maybe I'm just losing my mind, but I suddenly leap to my feet, careful to be quiet. Clad in nothing but my nightgown, my braided hair still slung over my shoulder, I slide open the shoji doors of my room and pad into the hallway. The whole house is quiet, save for Yahiko's light snoring.

Idly wondering if I've gone crazy, I open your door as quietly as I can, peeking into your room. There you are, asleep on your futon in the middle of the room, red flame hair unfastened and fanning out against your pillow.

What exactly do I think I'm doing?

I heard you the minute you opened your bedroom door. What are you up to now? I waited for a moment, waiting to see if I needed to get up. Oddly enough, I heard you open my door a few seconds later, intriguing and mildly surprising me. You've never come into my room so late. You don't sound panicked in any way, so I opt to feign sleep.

You pad slowly toward me, obviously believing me to be asleep. What could you possibly want in the middle of the night? Has something frightened you, made you flee your room?

Another loud burst of thunder. You're not afraid of the storm, are you?

You seem to hesitate a moment, then softly seat yourself at my side. Now what are you up to, Kaoru? I keep my eyes closed, determined to discover your intentions. What an odd girl you are, sneaking into the room of the battousai in the dark of night. I have killed men for that, I'm sure you are aware. You don't seem frightened, however, and I begin to wonder why not. The mere sight of me can make grown men, fierce men break down and cry - so how is it that you, a mere seventeen year old girl, do not? But then, you've never been afraid of me, have you? You never flinch when you hear the name battousai, never seem to care that I once was a cold blooded killer, that I could be one again. You have this unwavering faith in me, a faith I do not deserve.

The sound of your honey voice fills my ears as you begin to speak, your voice soft but full of conviction.

"I don't understand you, Kenshin," You say, "I don't know how someone so smart could be so stupid."

That's an oxymoron.

"I don't care who you used to be, or how many men you killed in your past. Can't you see how you've changed? You are Himura Kenshin - a rurouni who finds peace in doing the laundry. Battousai is a part of you, but not all of you. Why can't you forgive yourself for things that happened a long time ago?"

I understand what you're saying, I know the words you speak are true - so why do I suddenly find myself so angry? You're so innocent, Kaoru, so oblivious to the truth of my past. My hands are forever stained with their blood, their lives are on my hands. You don't know the guilt I feel, the anguish that suffocates my soul. You're a child, an innocent, naive child.

Angry at you, at myself, I spring myself into an upright position, my hair flying over my shoulders like a crimson cloud. You don't jump, you don't even flinch, but your sapphire eyes spark with resolve.

"I knew you were awake," you address me calmly, "You don't fool me."

"What do you know?" I hiss, "You are a child, an innocent child with no idea of what it's like to be me. You've never tasted blood, never felt the familiar surge of adrenaline as you run your sword through another man's gut. So tell me, child, what do you know of my life? What do you know of murder and pain and guilt?"

Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that this is wrong, that I shouldn't be yelling at you. It's not your fault that you're pure, that you're a better person than I am; but oh how I covet your soul, your pure untainted soul!

You look as though you would like nothing more than to reach out and punch me, but you don't. You merely sit there, perfectly still as the thunder cracks outside. The only things moving are your eyes, which spark and dance dangerously.

When you speak your voice is low and controlled, your anger at me thinly veiled.

"I may be young, but I'm not as stupid as you take me for. I know of what I speak, and you know it too. You are bent on punishing yourself for a past you cannot change, and I have tried unsuccessfully to make you see what you are doing to yourself. But you know what? I'm done. I'm done with trying to help you, done with trying to show you that I care. You're not worth it, Kenshin - you're just not."

Something inside me snaps at your last sentence, and just as suddenly as it came my anger dissipates. But it's too late, the damage has been done. I watch you rise gracefully to your feet, your bridled anger radiating from you. I am frozen to my spot - all I can do is watch you leave.


	2. Spanning the gap

AN: I realize that I accidentally posted the same chapter as two different ones, and I apologize. This is my first time actually submitting something, so that was an oopsie.

EmpressKona: Thank you so much for your review! I realize that this chapter is kinda short, but I'll have the next one up soon.

Stella - neko: Thank you for reviewing my story, and sorry about posting the same chapter twice. Kaoru is kinda bold in this story - I just kinda thought she might be getting tired of being so ... passive. :) Anyway, thank you and I hope you keep reading!

Kaouru:

I can't remember the last time I was this angry. My body is shaking with the anger I'm fighting to control - how dare you speak to me that way, Kenshin, how dare you!

Fuming, I completely pass my room and stride purposefully toward the dojo. I'm so angry I could explode, and if I don't find a way to let it out soon I will.

I pay no attention to the fact that it's raining, or that I'm wearing nothing but my night gown. I cross the courtyard, the rain drops soothing my heated skin. Maybe I will forgive you for your words, but right now I hate you.

I slide the open the dojo door and step inside, not bothering to close the door. I grab a bokken and stand in the middle of the empty room, focusing all my anger into practicing.

My anger had clouded my senses; I felt his presence a moment too late.

A strong hand covers my mouth before I can even think of screaming, and I'm being dragged backward toward the dark corner. My anger has fuses with my fear and fuels my adrenaline as I begin to fight to struggle. My bokken, which I stupidly dropped, is laying several feet away against the opposite wall.

"Don't make a sound," My captor whispers menacingly, "Do as I say and I promise your death will be quick. Where is he?"

I should have known he'd be after you - they always are. How long has he been here, I wonder, scoping you out? What does he hope to accomplish by taking me?

"Scream and I'll cut your throat," He warns me

Just to let me know he's serious he flashes the blade of his sword in my face, then holds it to the base of my throat. The blade is sharp, and he presses it to me tightly as he removes his hand. I can feel the first drops of my blood trickling down my chest. He really wants to find you, doesn't he?

"Now tell me where he is."

You really think I'm going to tell you, buddy? I think to myself. You'll kill me either way, whether I tell you or not - that's not a very good bargaining chip, you know that?

I may be seriously angry with you, Kenshin, but I'm certainly not going to hand you over to some guy who wants you dead. I'm not that vindictive.

"I'm sorry, who are you looking for again?" I query, my voice surprisingly steady

"You know who," He replies, "Battousai. I have a score to settle with him."

I am out of my damn mind.

"Let me settle it for you."

The heel of my foot swiftly and firmly connects with his balls, an unexpected attack that sends him to his knees. I frantically race toward my bokken - if I can just get my hands on it ...

A hand snakes out and wraps around my ankle, catapulting me toward the ground. I hear a sickening crack as my left shoulder is dislocated, a sharp pain coursing through my veins. I have to fight to keep my head from swimming and my vision from clouding over; I really can't afford to black out now. I'm fighting for my life - and yours, Kenshin.

Fate must be on my side, because my bokken is barely three inches away from my head. My attacker is pulling me back, his fingers digging painfully into my ankle. Fighting the pain in my left arm, I throw my right arm above my head and firmly grasp my bokken. My only option is going to cause me great pain, but I can't think of anything else to do. Besides, what difference is my arm going to make once this man kills me? I'll have to scream - I don't think my attack will be enough to stop him, and I have to warn you.

Clenching my teeth against the pain that I know is coming, I lash out strongly with my free leg and hear the sound of breaking bones as it connects with his face. With a painful yelp he lets go of my ankle and I flip myself over onto my back, wasting no time in again getting to my feet. My weapon held tightly in my good hand, I watch as the burly man recovers and gets to his feet. His nose is bleeding and he snarls feriouciously at me, wielding his sword. He advances toward me and I take a few steps back only to find myself boxed into a corner. So this is where I'm going to die- in my own dojo. I am strangely calm; the fear and the anger I felt earlier are gone. Perhaps I have accepted death - it doesn't really matter now anyway.

He strikes swiftly, surprisingly agile despite his size. I deflect his first swing and hear several pieces of wood splinter off my bokken. He wastes no time in striking again, raising his sword high in the air and then angling it in a manner no doubt intended to decapitate me. I shy away in the last second, pushing myself even farther into the corner. The thunder roars, accompanied by the first bolt of lightning. In the few seconds of light I can clearly see the rage in this man's eyes. This is it, this is the end of the line for me. My bokken is broken where it had met his sword, leaving only a sharp spike at the end.

Kenshin, I pray, forgive me.

And I screamed.


	3. Shock

Disclaimer (I think I forgot to do this in my first two chapters): I don't own RK or the characters - but if I did I would be one happy camper!

Well folks, this is chapter three! Four will be on its way, as soon as I know what it's gonna be about. :) Constructive critisicm (I may have spelled that wrong!) is always welcome. I hope you like it so far. Of course, the more you review the more I update! Happy reading.

Kenshin:

I am on my feet and running out of my room before I even consciously register what's going on. I can feel the danger, the anger that seems to litter the air. I am vaguely aware of Sano's door opening and him shouting something at me, but I do not stop. I want only to get to you, mentally cursing myself for letting this happen. I am not sure what unseen force seems to be guiding my feet but I find myself crossing the courtyard, the rain soaking my hair. The dojo door is open and the icy fingers of panic are clutching at my stomach. There is no sound - where are you?

I fly up the steps into the dojo and freeze in the place I stand. In the opposite corner is the body of a large man, ran completely through what appears to be a large stick.

"Kaoru," I call out, frustrated and afraid

The only sound in response is a small whimper from the wall behind me. I spin on my heel and I am greeted with a scene that instantly tears at my soul. There you are, huddled against the wall with your knees drawn up to your chest, your wet hair hanging in your face. Even from here I can see the look on your face - it is one of utter disbelief and shock. You don't even seem to register that I'm here, you just keep staring into nothingness.

I approach you slowly, afraid to startle you and send you even farther into shock. I dimly register that Sano and Yahiko are standing just insided the door, no doubt staring at the form of the dead man.

"Kaoru?" I say gently, slowly advancing forward

Your eyes lock onto me and it takes you a moment to realize who I am.

"Kenshin?"

I can barely hear you, your voice nothing more than a whisper.

"I'm here, Kaoru."

I kneel down next to you and place my hand on your arm, wanting to console you. I nearly jump as you yelp and shy away from my touch.

"What's wrong?" I query worriedly

"My arm," You utter, and the first tears fall from your eyes

"What happened to your arm?"

"I think it's dislocated."

For one brief moment I allow myself to feel the immense pain and guilt that is bubbling in my chest, a red hot dragon threatening to take over. How could I let this happen to you? How could I let my guard down like that and leave you open to attack, leave you vulnerable and alone? Damn my anger - damn myself. What will happen to you now, how will you make it through this? Your soul is strong, Kaoru, but this a pain unlike any you have ever felt.

Determined not to give in to my own pain - at least not yet - I push those thoughts from my mind and focus on the situation in the here and now. I don't think you are capable of moving, and I have to get you into the house. What of the dead body?

"Kenshin," You whisper, finally bringing your eyes to meet mine, "I killed that man. Me. I killed him with my bokken, with my own hands. He was looking for you, said he had a score to settle with Battousai. I couldn't let him get to you ... "

The pain explodes inside my chest, my lungs seeming to collapse in on themselves and stop my breathing all together. That's a bokken sticking out of that man's chest, a broken, shattered stick. The truth that is beginning to overwhelm me, however, is that it is my fault your innocence has been lost. You killed him to protect me - you shed his blood to keep him from reaching me. What have I done?

"Kaoru," I say, my voice and my pain in check, "I am going to carry you inside. Can you handle that?"

You simply nod your head in acquiesance, tears now falling freely from your cerulean eyes. Slowly and with all the gentleness in my being I lift you off the floor, your good arm wrapping around my neck. You lay your head against my chest and I off - handedly wonder if you can hear how quick my heart is beating.

"Sano," I address the tall man, who looks at me, "Do something with that body. Yahiko, come with me."

Neither of them protest. It seems as though they too can sense the perilous state of being you are in, and although Yahiko seems terrified he leads the way back across the courtyard. You don't make a sound and if it weren't for the fact that I can feel your breath on my neck I might have panicked and thought you were dead.

I take you into my room and set you down gently on my futon, doing my best not to jostle your arm. It's late, I know, and if need be I can set your arm but I would really prefer it if Megumi did it. I turn and tell Yahiko to run and tell Sano that once he's done disposing of the body to run and get the fox doctor, and not to return without her. He leaves immediately, leaving just you and I in my room. Was it really only minutes ago that you were in here, telling me that I wasn't worth it? You were so full of life, so angry and alive. And now you're merely a wraith, a silent ghost that I failed to protect. I wanna yell and ask you why you did it, ask you why you didn't just lead him straight to me. I could have taken him, I could have saved your sweet soul from the stain of blood. I could have saved us both, as I have so many times before. So why did you fight this time? Why did you pick up that bokken? If I could turn back time I would stop you from ever leaving my room.

I can feel the pain beating at the gates again, begging, demanding to be let loose and given free reign. I don't know how much longer I can take this, how much longer I can look at your face and know that the pain you are going to feel, the grief and the utter despair that will grip your soul is all because of me in one way or another. I never wanted to cause you this pain, never wanted to be the reason that you lost the purity of your being. I covet your innocence, yes, but I have never even dreamed of taking it away from you. That's what I've done, even if it wasn't intentional. I am the reason that man lies dead in the dojo - I am the reason for it all.

"Kaoru, are you still with me?" I ask, dreading the silence

"I'm still here," You answer, your voice hollow, "But I think before long I'm going to wish I wasn't."

"Don't say that," I say a little too forcefully

You don't seem to notice, however, too lost in shock and whatever else you must be feeling at this moment. Your once bright blue eyes seem dull now, dull and already welling with the despair that will soon try to drown your soul. How well I know that despair, Kaoru, how well I know the feeling of wishing I wasn't here at all. What can I do to help you? My presence in your life has already caused you so much pain, maybe I should just slip away into the night. No, that would only make things worse. I have to stay here, at least for now, to help you get through this any way I can.

"He was going to kill me," You say to no one, "Whether I told him where you were or not he was going to kill me; I knew it and I didn't care. My only thought was to stop him before he could get to you, before he could chance upon Yahiko's sleeping form and run him through with his sword. I knew I wasn't as strong as him, that I couldn't win, so I warned you the only way I could think to. I let out a scream. But then there he was, standing above me with his sword poised to take my life, and suddenly I was filled with the desire to live, to fight for my life no matter what the cost. And I did. And now he's dead. I've never killed a man before. What do I do now, Kenshin?"

Your question pulls at my heart strings. What answer can I give you that is true but will make you feel in any way better?

"Now we just go from day to day, together. I'll help you through this, Kaoru. I swear it, on my life."

I can hear footsteps ringing in the hall and the checked voice of Sano coming closer. He must be filling Megumi in on the little details he knows. The rest can wait until later.

They round the corner into my room, and I briefly look away from Kaoru and up at the doctor. Her mouth is set in a grim line and her eyes look like hard chips of rock, and she quickly takes stock of the situation.

"Is it just her arm that's hurt?" She asks softly

"Physically, yes. She's in a great deal of shock," I answer, my voice sounding foreign to my ears

"Okay. Everybody out. I need room, and time."

I start to protest but a dark look from the fox lady tells me to think better of it. So with a low grumble I turn and accompany Sano out of the room, hearing Megumi close the door behind us. Without a word I make my way to the kitchen, somewhere we can talk and not disturb the women. Yahiko is standing against the wall, his head leaned back against it. Upon entering the room he opens his eyes and brings them to me, the questions resounding in them.

"Both of you sit down. I'll tell you everything I know so far, but you had better listen. I'm not going to say it twice."


	4. The morning after

Disclaimer: Again, I don't own RK or any of the characters (but I'll keep wishing that I did).

Firalyn: Thank you for your wonderful review! I look forward to hearing more of your comments soon! Here's chapter four - enjoy!

AN: I'm just kinda writing this as I go, so if anyone finds any discrepancies feel free to drop me a note and I will take care of it ASAP.

Kaoru:

It feels as though someone has stuck a knife in my shoulder and is twisting it mercilessly; I swear I can almost feel my muscles ripping. I'm afraid to move, afraid to stir in any way and cause myself more pain. I open my eyes and find myself staring at a ceiling. It's starting to brighten up outside as the sun rises, and I wish I could say that I don't remember the events of last night but that would be a lie. Because I remember them better than I want to - that man is still dead by my hand. No amount of sleep or unconsciousness will change that. I have slain a man, taken his life with a weapon that was meant to protect, not kill.

Isn't that what I was doing, though, protecting? I had to protect myself, protect Kenshin and the others. He was going to kill me - should I have just stood by and let him, lead him straight to Kenshin and then let him kill me? Would he have killed all of us? Yahiko and Sano as well as Kenshin and myself? He was a brute of a man, heartless and cruel - I'm sure he would have killed anyone he could find. I'm torn - my father taught me to protect without killing, yet when it really came down to it the only way I could protect was to kill. So does that make me wrong? I feel as though my faith has been shaken - I never understood why Kenshin always felt so guilty, and now that I do I'm not so sure that I want to.

Trying to banish these thoughts from my head I slowly raise myself into an upright position. My arm is in a sling, I notice, to take some of the weight off my shoulder. Megumi has been here. I feel sore all over, probably from falling so many times. Nothing feels broken though, and I think the worst of my injuries is my arm. I glance around the room and for the first time since I opened my eyes I notice that I am not in my own room. I must be in yours. I turn my head slightly to the left and find you sitting against the wall, your sword resting against your shoulder and one knee pulled up against your chest.

"How is your shoulder?" You ask me

"It hurts," I reply, looking away from you

We do not say anything again for several minutes, but I can feel your hawk eyes on my back. Did you spend all night in here with me, sleeping just as I saw you a few seconds ago? My thoughts trail off - I can feel the pain burning a hole into my heart. How could I kill a man? How could I go against everything my father ever taught me? Would he forgive me, if he were here? Can I forgive myself?

I know I should do something, but I just plain don't have the will. I don't wanna move, I don't wanna breathe, I just wanna lay here and stare at the ceiling and wonder at how I'm going to look myself in the mirror from now on.

"Are you hungry?" You ask me

"Not yet, but I'm sure I will be later. How's my shoulder?"

"Megumi says it's dislocated; you were in such shock that you didn't even stir when she set it. If you are careful with it she said it should feel just fine again in about five days. You're not to lift anything heavy or engage in any strenuous activities until then."

Good. So then I really can just lay here for the next five days and wallow in my grief.

The tears are falling from my eyes before I know what's happening. I just don't understand how I could have done this, don't understand how I could have betrayed my father and everything I believed in so completely. What's going to happen to me now? I can't continue to teach a technique that I have so irrevocably betrayed, I don't deserve to. I don't wanna be here, I don't wanna be feeling and thinking these things.

I am aware of you getting to your feet and slipping out the door as quietly as you can, and for some reason your departure only makes the tears fall faster. That's right, just walk away when I need you most, like you always do. I wouldn't be in this situation if it weren't for you, if it weren't for your confounded anger! That's not true - it's not your fault. It was my decision to fight, my decision to rebel and attempt to take on that man. I'm angry, but it's unfair to place all that anger on you. I know this. So why I am still angry at you? I just wanna scream at you and pound my fists into your chest and call you horrible things. I wanna call you deserter and heartless and unfeeling ... I wanna tell you that not only have you broken my heart, you've now broken my soul. I wanna tell you that all I want is for you to make things better again. I want you to take away my pain and still the angry beast that eats away at me. If you loved me, Kenshin, you would want to stop this, you would want to hold me and kiss my hair and tell me that everything is going to be okay.

I can't help but wonder if I am now destined to live the rest of my life in the same manner as you do yours - always feeling guilty, waking up every night because of horrible nightmares. Will my soul be forever torn - will it never be whole again? Is this weight on my heart going to be there forever? Will the sky never be quite so blue again, the sun never quite as warm? What have I doomed myself into, what great torture is going to plague me for the rest of my living days?

My tears start to slow and I am left with an immense headache. My cheeks feel warm and flushed, perhaps from my sudden onslaught of anger. Just then I hear the door open again and I see your face appear above me - I should try to wipe my tears from my cheeks and hide the fact that I was crying, but the truth is that I simply don't care.

You sit down beside me and coax me into a sitting position. You are holding a steaming cup of liquid that smells surprisingly wonderful. I once again pull myself into a sitting position, my muscles groaning in protest.

"I brought you tea," You inform me, holding the cup up to my lips

I somewhat resent the fact that you don't give me the chance to hold the cup myself - I do have two arms, ya know. But then, since I rarely ever get the chance to be taken care of by you I guess I won't say anything. So I take a small drink and find that the liquid is just the right temperature and doesn't scald my tongue. Then something absolutely stunning happens - you carefully reach out and wipe the tears from my cheeks, your strong hands amazingly gentle against my skin.

"It'll be okay, Kaoru. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it will. I promise."

I don't know what to say. You've never done that before - you were so gentle, so sincere and caring. Do you feel sorry for me? Or are you truly just trying to comfort me and make me feel a little bit better about the fact that I just killed a man?

"How do you know that?" I ask

"I don't know it - not for sure anyway. I just know that you are going to make it through this, and that I am going to help you every way I can. It is, after all, my fault."

Something inside me yells at me to tell you that it's not your fault, like I have done so many times before, but I just can't seem to make myself do it. I know it's not your fault - it was my decision to fight.

So why can't I tell you that?

An: Did that one seem kinda short? I'm trying to somewhat vary the chapters in length so that it doesn't get too bogged down. Anyway, that's my little rant. :) Hope you liked it.


	5. The dawn of understanding

Disclaimer: I don't own RK or any of the characters - but they would make a really great christmas present!

Ok guys, here's the fifth chapter - please R&R!

Kenshin:

I can't put into words how much I loathe myself right now. Laundry used to be so comforting to me, but even it seems to be failing me at the moment. Nothing can console me, not right now. I know that for you, for your recovery I need to let go of this anger toward myself, but at this moment you are not near me and so I indulge in my hatred of myself. I simply can't describe what this is doing to me, how it's twisting my very fragile serenity and throwing it upon the rocks to watch it shatter like so many pieces of glass. You were my serenity, Kaoru, the only serenity I could ever hope to entertain. Now it seems that I have taken yours, so I can't pretend that I don't deserve the loss of mine. I don't care really, because how could I ever be content or serene knowing that you weren't?

"Kenshin?"

The sound of my name catches me by surprise. I glance away from the laundry and find Sano, staring down at me from where he stands on the porch. His forehead is furrowed in what seems to be a look of deep thought and worry. Have we all come to look like that in the last day or two? Perhaps we have; I don't think any of us ever realized just how much of our happiness and peace revolved around you. Your fights with Yahiko, your constant bickering with Sano - it kept us young, I suppose, made us laugh when we thought we couldn't. I'm not sure we can do the same for you, however, I don't think this can be laughed away. Even if it could, I don't think that any one of us would be able to laugh.

"Yes, Sano?"

"Megumi is asking for you."

I guess it didn't really surprise me when the fox doctor decided to remain here. You are in pretty bad shape, and althought you two haven't always gotten a long she still worries after you. It always seemed to me that she had come to think of you as a little sister - so why should it be unusual for her to want to stay for you?

I drop the laundry back into the soapy water and wipe my hands off on my gi. The urge to scream seems to be intensifying within my chest, and an anger that I haven't felt in years is threatening to overwhelm me. Are you this angry, kaoru? Are you this angry with me? I wouldn't blame you if you were - I actually somewhat hope you are. You have a right to be.

Megumi is waiting for me in the kitchen, slowly sipping a cup of tea.

"Yes, Megumi - dono?"

"Ah, Ken -san. I would very much like to have a word with you. It's about Kaoru."

Of course it is. Did you think I thought it was about anyone else?

"I'm worried for her health," Megumi begins

"But I thought you said ... "

"Oh, her arm will be fine. It's HER I'm worried about. I don't know how she is going to suffer from this, Ken - san, I can't judge the effect it's going to have on the rest of her life. I was just hoping that maybe you would be able to help me ... understand, so to speak, so that I may be able to help her through the psychlogical affects of this as well."

The battousai within wants to snarl a mean response at her, but isn't that how we got into this situation in the first place? I let battousai out of check for one single moment and look what happens - he destroys everything that I believe in, everything that is sacred. He's good at that. The part that scares me, however, is the fact that no matter how I hate that side of myself, I am going to need his help to get you through this, Kaoru.

"There is no way," I answer, "That you can simply help someone else understand death at your own hands. It is not a lesson that can be taught, but one that has to be learned. I know that sounds confusing, but it really does make sense. So, really, Megumi - dono, the only one that can help Kaoru through this ..."

"... Is you," Megumi finishes for me, "I kind of thought that that was how it was going to be, but you can't blame me for trying."

I say nothing, merely nod my head in agreement. If I were to be honest with myself I would have to admit the fact that I am terrified - I'm not sure I can help you, Kaoru, I'm not sure I have the strength. I, myself, am still so consumed with the anger that is a repercussion of the deaths at my hands that I am at a loss on how to help you rise above yours. What if I fail? How can I help you find the peace you once had when I still can't find my own? It doesn't matter - I will not fail, not because I am strong but because I have to. That's all there is to it - I can't let you down.

"I am going to visit her," I announce

"She was sleeping when I was last in there - be quiet."

I say nothing but mentally take note of the information. The last thing I wanna do is wake you up - I know how precious sleep can be. I pad slowly down the hall, masking the sound of my footsteps. I come to a halt in front of my bedroom door, gathering the courage to go in. Before I can slide open the door I hear the soft sound of crying filtering through the thin rice paper. I can just make out the sound of broken words, broken words unmistakenly muttered in your voice.

"I don't wanna feel this anymore," You sob, "I don't wanna be angry! Why did this have to happen to me, why did I decide to fight? I just wanted to protect them, just wanted them all to appreciate me ... "

That angry, guilty beast that was knocking on my door just moments ago has now broken through it and is running rampant across my soul. I don't know how to keep him under control, I don't know how to put him back in his cage and make him be silent.

Maybe I should just turn and walk away, but instead I slide open the door and walk in. You turn red, puffy eyes up to me and I can almost see the anger in your eyes. It doesn't seem to be directed at me, however; it just seems to be lost, just like you.

"Kenshin?"

Your voice is broken and weak, and your tone is coated with utter despair. Is that how you feel inside, Kaoru? Broken and weak and filled with utter despair?

Without a word I merely seat myself next to you and scoop you into my lap. You're too shocked to protest, and I don't blame you. I'm not even sure what I am doing myself - although I've thought about this before I've never actually thought about taking you in my arms and soothing away your pain.

"Ken ..."

"Hush," I interrupt, "Just cry. I'm here, I'll hold you."

You don't say a word, but you don't seem to be crying anymore.

"What ever made you think that we don't appreciate you?" I query aloud, "What did we do to make you think that? Because that's as far from the truth as anything."

Your sudden blow up nearly knocks me over. Your small fists are pounding mercilessly against my chest and you start screaming, tears flowing down your ivory cheeks.

"You don't appreciate me!" You scream, "You never have! Everyone always thought I was weak and that I had to be protected, and I just wanted to prove you all wrong! Now look what I've done - I've taken a man's life with my own hands! How can I ever go back to my life, how can I ever teach again? I'm ruined, Kenshin, and it's all your fault! I hate you!"

I swear I'm not breathing - everything around me has stopped. Nothing exists except you and me; nothing else even matters. I don't make any retort, because you're right. Well, about it being my fault anyway. The rest of it isn't true, but I guess that we never really gave you any reason to think otherwise did we?

You are still curled in my lap, your still balled fists wedged between our bodies. You are crying again, and you make no effort to move. Taking this to mean that you don't want me to leave, I merely wrap my arms around you and start rubbing slow, soothing circles on your back. I don't know what else to do but let you know that I am still here, still determined to help you. Somewhere inside me something is crying as well, and though I would never admit it I think it is the small piece of shinta that I have somehow retained over the years. The scared, lonely little boy that still hides inside me for reasons I will never know is mourning - mourning the loss of innocence in both of us.

"Kenshin?" You say softly, a few moments later

"Yes, Kaoru?" I leave out the dono - it just doesn't seem fitting anymore

"I think I'm starting to understand."

"Understand what, Kaoru?"

"Your soul."

Why do those two words scare the hell out of me?


	6. Stronger than Glass

Disclaimer: Don' own RK, wish I did ...

Here is chapter six. Please R&R and let me know what you think. To everyone that has reviewed so far, thank you and keep them coming! I hope you are enjoying the story.

(A.N. So apparently when I write this and put the little dashes to signal a change or a leap, such as a few hours, it won't put those in when I upload it, so I am sorry if it seems a little choppy after the lunch scene. Maybe I can figure out a way to make it work, I dunno).

Kaoru:

The sun is warm on my face, its warm fingers wrapping around me as if it were a real person trying to comfort me. It feels nice to be outside, the light breeze teasing my hair and tossing it gently over my shoulder. Somewhere in the distance there are birds chirping, and the world continues to turn. Everything seems so different, yet it is exactly the same. What a paradox - the world looks exactly the same and everything goes on as usual, yet I feel so utterly different, so completely seperate from all of it. My very soul itself has changed, and I know it is childish but a part of me had expected a small part of the world to have changed with it.

I move my shoulder just a little, rolling it forward slightly to test it. It is feeling better, not completely but enough for Megumi to want me to exercise it a little every hour or so. She said it would stop hurting completely fairly soon, one small thing that made me feel better. I know they are all trying, but I just don't know how to pull myself out of it, how to make myself feel better again. Believe it or not, the fact that they are all walking on eggshells around me isn't really helping either - so far it has only succeeded in making me feel even more alienated and alone. Yahiko never teases me anymore, and I don't think Sano has called me Jou - chan once. Maybe it sounds stupid, but right now the thing that would help the most is for everyone to just regain some normality. My whole world has spun wildly off its axis and I just wish I had some semblance of my old life to cling to.

Of course, I do realize how selfish of me that is, to expect everyone to just get over it. Hell, I can't get over it, how can I expect them to? Then again, not all of the thoughts I've had in the last few days have been particularly rational. I really meant what I said the other night - I think I really am starting to understand Kenshin and all his pain. Look at the toll one man's life has taken on me; Kenshin has taken the lives of many men. I don't know how he does it. I think the weight of this one man's life on my shoulders is going to break me. How can he carry around all that weight and still find the strength to get up in the morning? He's been doing this for years - I have only grazed the iceberg with him.

"Kenshin, I love you and all, but this isn't what I wanted. This isn't the way I wanted to understand," I whisper to the wind

The only answer I get in return is the kiss of the breeze and the incessant chatter of the birds.

"Kaoru?"

I turn to find Sano standing on the porch, shading his eyes from the bright sunlight.

"Lunch is ready. Come inside and eat."

I merely nod, waiting until he has disappeared inside to make my way toward the house. I just want to hear him call me Jou - chan again, I want the biggest of my worries to be who is going to make fun of my cooking that day. Not all this dancing around Kaoru because she might break. I'm not glass, damn it, I'm not going to shatter whenever I come into contact with something unpleasant or dark. Haven't I proved that yet? I have killed a man and I'm still here aren't I? I haven't tried anything stupid, like trying to take my own life. Does everyone think that I am young and stupid?

The look on my face when I enter the kitchen must be one of stark anger, because no one says anything and merely sits down at the table. Are you all afraid for me, is that it? Or, rather, are you afraid of me? What an absurd thought, all of you frightened of little me. I'm ... well, I guess I can't say that anymore. I was going to say that I am harmless, but I guess the dead man with a bokken sticking out of his gut would disagree, wouldn't he? Damn technicalities!

Then, without warning and all of a sudden, laughter bubbles out from my throat and fills the entire room. What a morbid thought that was, damn technicalities! Have I lost my mind? That was in no way funny, but I simply can't restrain the laughter from pouring forth. It feels wonderful, like all the clouds around my head have temporarily pulled away to reveal the first hint of sunlight in an angry storm.

I'm aware that you are staring at me as if I have just sprouted three heads, but I can't push aside the laughter long enough to explain. Megumi looks worried, and if I didn't know any better Yahiko looks absolutely terrified. I'm sure he thinks I have lost whatever mind I have left, and maybe I have.

Finally regaining a little of my breath, I haltingly explain to them what it is that has sent me into gales of laughter. For just a second no one knows what to say, but then the silence is pierced with the hysterical laughter of Yahiko. Tears are squeezing out of the corners of his eyes and he is holding his sides in pain, but he too sees the insanely morbid humor of it all. I have no idea what possessed me to think such a thing, but for just a moment I felt like myself again.

We finally start to calm down, and I find myself wondering if they all think that I have cracked up. Or perhaps they all think that I have no heart to laugh at something like that. I don't really want them to think that I am heartless, but I simply cannot explain what it was that was so funny. Maybe all the stress and fear and anger finally built up to the breaking point and had to find some sort of release - maybe my body simply couldn't take the weight of it all anymore.

I am about to explain myself when Kenshin holds up a hand and gives me a small smile, the first I have seen on his face since this whole ordeal started.

"You don't have to explain," You say to me, "I understand. I did the same thing. You're not crazy."

That really does make me feel better. I don't want you to think that I have cracked or that I have no heart, because neither is true.

Most of the meal passes in silence, and despite my sudden laughing fit a few moments ago I am already depressed once again. For just a moment I could delude myself into thinking that everything was okay, that I was myself again and life was right. A small sigh escapes my lips before I can stop it, but I don't think I would have wanted to anyway.

"Kaoru?" Yahiko asks of me tentatively

"I'm just tired," I answer

"Why don't you go lay down, we can ..." Sano starts

"No, Sano," I interrupt, "Not like that. I'm tired of everyone treating me like a porcelain figurine, walking on eggshells whenever I'm around. I'm not glass, I won't break. I killed a man and I'm still here aren't I? I'm stronger than any of you think, and I'm sick of being treated like I have some sort of disease. Everyone dances around the one thing that everyone is thinking about - what happens now? How will Kaoru deal? I don't have the answers to either of those questions, but having everyone treat me like I'm different isn't helping. My whole world has just been turned upside down; I just want something familiar to cling to."

I fall quiet then. I didn't know I was going to say anything until I had already started to talk, and in all honesty it felt good to let all of that out.

A hand reaches out and ruffles my hair and I glance up to see Sano giving me an encouraging smile.

"You're right, Jou - chan. You're still the girl we've always known, and I'm sorry for making you feel bad."

"I'm sorry too, busu," Yahiko adds

I smile slightly. I guess maybe it was a good thing I said something.

So a few hours later I'm standing in the middle of the room wondering why exactly it is that I'm still sleeping in your room, Kenshin. I am perfectly capable of staying in my own room, so why aren't I? There's an easy answer to that: I feel safer here in your room, knowing that you are near me every night. I'm sure that you would follow me even if I did choose to go back to my own room, but I feel like I don't belong there anymore. I know that it is just a room, but I feel to ... dirty to sleep in there. Your room just feels safe, safe from all the innocence that seems to enshroud my room. I don't mean that as a slight to you, either.

Behind me, the door slides open and I know that you have turned in for the night. It's dark out and it must be late, so I have no idea why I am still awake.

"It's late," You say simply, moving to your spot

Ever since I took your futon you have taken to sleeping against the wall, one knee pulled up to your chest and your katana resting against your shoulder. It looks very uncomfortable.

"Kenshin? I'm sorry about the other night, yelling at you like that. I didn't mean what I said."

"Yes, you did. That's how you felt, maybe how you feel even now. I'm just sorry that we ever gave you a reason to feel that way."

You are about to settle yourself against the wall. A foreign thought crosses my mind, a thought that under normal circumstances I would hastily shove into the back of my mind. But then, these aren't normal circumstances are they?

"Kenshin?"

"Hmm?"

"Would you ... would you share your futon with me tonight?"

Very slowly you turn to face me. Your eyes are narrowed, as if you are not quite sure what to think of my request. I don't blame you, really; like I said, if these were normal circumstances I would never ask such a thing, but I have an overwhelming urge not to be alone. I want you there, next to me.

You are going to say no. I can see it in your eyes, in the hesitation written all over your face. It was wrong of me to ask. I should have just kept my stupid mouth shut. I turn away, trying to hide the embarrasment and disappointment I know is showing on my face. I pull out my hairband and feel my ebony hair come cascading down around me, hoping that it will hide my face.

I'm about to lay down when I feel your strong arms go around my neck, pulling me back into your chest. For just a moment I feel that fear again, that fear when I was facing that man, but then I remind myself that this is you, Kenshin, and that you would never hurt me. We stay that way for several seconds, your warm breath brushing lightly against my ear.

"Are you sure?" You ask quietly

"Yes," I answer confidently

My heart is beating wildly as you let go of me and set your katana aside. I turn to face you once more, almost a little frightened of what I will find. Your face shows nothing but calm, but your eyes have a slight amber tint to them. I try not to let my eyes bug out of my head as you take off your gi - I never knew you slept without a shirt on, Kenshin. I lower my head, not wanting you to think that I am staring.

You place a finger under my chin and urge me to raise my head. When I do you give me a light kiss on the forehead, an act that surprises and amazes me. You have never been this open before, Kenshin, never been so ... willing to show emotion. How do I react?

You motioned for me to lay down. I felt you seconds later when you joined me, and I closed my eyes against the thought. You and I, sharing a futon. Shoot me - I just did not want to spend another night alone, accosted by nightmares.

One of your strong arms reaches out and encircles my waist, and you pull me back into your chest again. You are pleasantly warm, and I try hard not to think about the fact that you don't have a shirt on. This is so comfortable ...

I think I am dreaming, but the last words I hear as I drift off into sleep are whispered in your quiet voice, whispered so softly that I almost don't hear them.

"Rest, my love."


	7. To Understand Your Soul

Author's Notes:

Disclaimer: I do not own RK or any of the characters; if I did I would do a jig in the middle of the street and be very happy.

I'm not so sure that I really like this chapter. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I hate it. I probably could have done a lot better, but I was tired and I felt like it needed to come to an end. I dunno. Maybe it's not so bad. R&R and let me know what you think!

To everyone that has reviewed so far, thank you very much and I hope you like it. I am posting as fast as I can. Please, keep up the good work. I so love to read your thoughts. And so, on to the next chapter! Enjoy!

Kenshin:

I think I slept for a total of maybe of two hours. It's not that I wasn't tired, because I was. Correction, I am tired. It's just that my brain wouldn't shut off for long enough for me to really fall asleep, or stay that way anyway. First off, I can't believe that right at this very moment you are sleeping soundly with your back against my bare chest and my arm around your waist. I won't lie; I've imagined us being in this very scenario, but never in a hundred years did I actually think we would be. You just looked so sincere, so utterly open and unguarded that I couldn't refuse. I didn't want to, really. Even if I didn't get much sleep I can't say that I didn't enjoy spending the night with you in my arms. I just wish it were under different circumstances.

Your hair smells of jasmine. I love that smell. Have I ever told you that? Of course not. When would I have? Why would I have? I've left so many things unsaid, thinking that you already knew or that you didn't need to know. How blind I've been, how cold and unfeeling you must think I am. I'm not doing it to hurt you, Kaoru, I'm really not. It's just that I'm afraid. That's right, me, the man who was once the most feared man in all of Japan. I have so many enemies, so many people that would do anything to hurt me. Just like the man who attacked you. If they ever got their hands on you I don't know what I would do. I can't risk you losing you – do you understand? I don't think I could live if something were to ever happen to you. I can barely handle what is happening to you now; what if they were to get their hands on you, corrupt you in ways that I couldn't change? What then? At least now I have some way of helping you.

"Did you even go to sleep?"

Your voice is soft and still a little thick, which is how I know that you just woke up. How you knew I was awake, however, is a mystery.

"Yes. I haven't been awake long."

"Liar."

Damn it, Kaoru, how did you come to know me so well? You can't even see my face and you know that I'm lying.

"I got about two hours," I answer honestly, tired of trying to hide the truth from you

"Why?" You ask

"My brain wouldn't be quiet long enough."

"What were you thinking about?"

For just a moment I find myself ready to spit out yet another half-truth, ready to tell you some sort of fib. It's not worth it – you're going to know that I'm lying anyway, and I think I finally realized that you deserve more. Well, that's not true; I always knew that you deserved more; I just didn't know how to tell you all these things. I didn't know if I had the courage.

"Everything," I answer on a sigh, "Everything that has happened and everything that is coming our way. Mostly, though, I was thinking of this. Of us, laying here just as we are."

"And what were you thinking about it?"

Are you not going to let me get away without making me tell you everything?

"Kaoru, we shouldn't go there. I have so many enemies, so many people that could …"

"Come after me?" You finish the sentence for me, and then turn to your other side to face me, "It's a little late for that, Kenshin. And I think that I should have some say in this, don't you? Shouldn't it be my choice whether we go there or not? I'm fully aware of the danger, I always have been. So why don't you give me the choice to decide where we go and where we stop."

I have no reply. You're right. In my blinding desire to protect you I have been robbing you of your right to choose. You are an adult, fully capable of making your own decisions, and it is time that I let you do just that. We can't go on like this forever, with me hiding all these things and you pretending like it doesn't bother you. You deserve better, and, frankly, I'm sick of it. I want to be honest with you – and if you are aware of the dangers and still accept what it means to be with me, then who am I to stop you? I guess I will just have to keep a closer eye on you.

"I was thinking about how much I want to spend every night like this with you," I say, not looking away from you, "And I was thinking of how terrified I am of what this is doing to you. Then the thought crossed my mind of how selfish I am for thinking about this now when you need my help, when no one is sure what is going to happen. My soul bleeds for the loss of that part of you that knew nothing of another man's blood, and even as I try to help you I am eaten alive by my old anger, my old beast."

You say nothing for several long moments, but you don't take your eyes from my face. You don't look surprised or frightened, but your face does seem to have a little more color than yesterday. What are you thinking? Did I share too much? Maybe I should have just lied and made up some story about how I was trying to figure out how that man got into the dojo. Well, that wouldn't be a total lie, since there was a point in the night when that thought was prominent in my mind.

"Why now?" You query

That's a good question, and one that I really don't want to answer. It's selfish, really, and probably a horrible way to feel.

"Do you want the truth? The honest, bare truth?"

"Yes," You answer without hesitation

"Very well. I know this sounds horrible, but it's because I'm not as afraid of you now. I'm not as afraid of your purity, and I don't feel as if you're so much higher than I am now. You always seemed like such an angel, such an unreachable angel that I was afraid to even try. Is that terrible of me?"

You shake your head no.

"I figured it was something like that. Honestly, I feel closer to you too. I feel as though I understand your soul now, as if I can really relate to the anger and guilt that you feel. Part of me wishes that I didn't, because this isn't the way that I wanted to understand. But I guess maybe I was meant to."

"If I could change it, Kaoru, you know I would, in a heartbeat."

"I know. But enough of that. Tell me more of what you spent all night thinking about?"

You really aren't going to let me get away without telling you everything.

"Are you sure that now is a good time to talk about this?"

"Kenshin, it's early in the morning, we're the only ones awake. And I've waited long enough already."

"You're right. I'll tell you. I thought about how wonderful you smell, just like fresh cut jasmine in the spring. And how cute it is when you snore."

"I do not snore!" You protest

"You most certainly do!"

Thinking I was out of my mind for at least the thousandth time in the last four days, I finally acted on an urge. I leaned my head down the few inches that separated us and softly brushed my lips against yours, reveling in the electric surges that it sends down my spine. Kissing you is unlike anything I have ever felt before – it's absolutely delicious, simultaneously calming and stimulating. Why haven't I done this before? You're probably thinking the same thing, aren't you? I don't blame you.

It's over seconds later, and I slowly open my eyes to see your reaction. Your eyes are still closed, but you don't look angry or disappointed. I'm afraid to say anything, afraid that maybe that was a bad idea and you are mad at me.

"Kaoru?" I ask gently, "Are you okay?"

"Why haven't you done that before?"

I can't help but laugh at that. Great minds think alike, I guess.

"So you aren't mad at me then? That wasn't the wrong thing to do?"

"No," You say, giggling slightly, "That wasn't the wrong thing to do. But … does this mean we're together?"

"Yeah, I guess it does. Is that okay? We'll take things slow, I promise. And we won't tell anyone just yet."

"That sounds good," You answer, smiling at me

"We better get up and get ready, before the others do," I say, kissing your forehead, "We've got another day to get through."

You nod in agreement and stretch against me. It's going to be a good day – and with a little luck, so will the rest of them. I know that it won't be easy, but together we will make it through this. You're a strong person; we're going to be okay, all of us. If I could change all of this, I would. I never wanted you to go through this. If there was any other way, any way at all, I would have found it. But that obviously wasn't for me to decide.

_You're going to be okay, Kaoru,_ I silently swore, _I will protect you with the every last breath in my body. No one will ever hurt you again – and you'll never have to make a sacrifice like that again._

**_Fini_**

A/N: This isn't exactly the last chapter, since there is going to be an epilogue. There are a few more things that I need to add closure too, so that will all be in the prologue. Was this chapter longer than any of the others? Did you like it? R&R please!


	8. Epilogue

A/N: Okay, so here is the epilogue to this little story of mine. I realize that this may have seemed short, but it was a story that I was just kind of writing as I went, which may or may not have been a good thing. I have several more stories on the way however, and I hope that everyone reading this has enjoyed the story! Thank you for taking the time to read it.

Disclaimer: (again). No I don't own them. Yes I would love to. I'll keep dreaming.

_**Epilogue:**_

Things didn't change overnight. In fact, it took quite a few months before things could once again be considered normal, and even then the normalcy in their lives had changed. Kaoru didn't pick up a bokken again for several longs months, in which Yahiko merely practiced what he had already been taught. It took the incessant prodding of her friends to finally get the blue – eyed girl to pick up a bokken again and continue to train Yahiko. It wasn't an easy thing to get her to see that what she had done that night was not a betrayal.

On more than one occasion Megumi wondered if there wasn't something more going on between Kenshin and Kaoru, because even as she continued to get better the girl still slept in the rurouni's room. She said nothing, however, instead deciding that they probably needed the time to be together alone. They needed time to come to grips with it themselves, and they didn't need anyone sticking their noses in their business prematurely. She had trouble reinforcing this idea to Sano and Yahiko, who seemed to think that they should be informed of any … "developments." It took much of the lady doctor's badgering and scuffing upside their heads to finally get the two boys to agree to stay out of it.

It took quite some time for Kaoru to finally come to grips with her anger and despair, and some days were better than others. There were days when she was so angry at what had happened that she wrongly took it out on the others, mostly Kenshin. There were days when she would fly at him and pound her white – knuckled fists into Kenshin's strong chest and cry and say terrible things to him, but he never wavered. He never let her go when she started crying, never once yelled back at her. It must have taken a great feat of will power not to yell back at her, but she was always thankful that he didn't. He would merely stand there quietly before her and let her vent all of her anger on him, and then turn around and give her a light feathery kiss to make her better when he felt it was safe to do so.

The months following the man's death were strained and, at times, utterly unbearable. When she thought back on those days Kaoru couldn't help but wonder how her friends had managed not to kill her.

Once, not so long ago, there had been nights when she would simply lie awake in bed and wonder what Kenshin was thinking, wonder at what he felt and the well of endless grief that seemed to be locked within him. She would pray that someone, somewhere, would give her the courage and grace to understand that which he had endured, and the wisdom to help him see that he had atoned for the mistakes of his past. She had begged and begged whatever higher powers there were to send him an angel, to find some way to make him see that he didn't need to spend the rest of his life carrying around such grief. Her prayers had been answered, but not quite how she had expected.

Maybe God had intended all of this for her, given her a miracle in the guise of a tragedy. She wasn't sure what she thought, but she knew that those days had merely drowned her in their despair. She had almost been caught in the undertow, almost pulled all the way under when Kenshin had saved her. He had saved her, just as she had been trying to save him. She had been given the key to understanding his soul – and she had nearly missed it. She didn't want to dwell on what may have happened if she had, for those thoughts always sent an involuntary shudder down her spine. No, it was enough to merely remember that, although she hadn't necessarily wanted it, someone had answered her prayers and gave her a way to save the man she loved.

Yes, she understood him now, understood his grief and the nights when the nightmares were too much. Where once there had been a gap between them, there was now a knowledge that they shared. In one night the biggest gap between them had been bridged unexpectedly, and not only did Kaoru survive it, she learned from it. It was perhaps the most valuable lesson that she had ever been taught – and she hoped that she would never have to learn it again.


End file.
